Is there a point when I will ever know what its like to be normal?…not that I actually want to be normal…I mean what is normal…
Here is (part) of the definition of NORMAL:
1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
2. serving to establish a standard.
- approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment.
- free from any mental disorder; sane.
4. Biology, Medicine/Medical.
- free from any infection or other form of disease or malformation, or from experimental therapy or manipulation.
- of natural occurrence.
I guess I partially mean normal in the sense of psychology (#3) above, but then I guess my depression & social anxiety give me sense that I am truly human and that I do feel, as sometimes I often feel like a robot, cold and cut off.
But more so I meant normal in the sense of biology (#4) above. Ever since I had surgery to remove my thyroid due to papillary thyroid cancer, and then another surgery 2 years later to remove a recurrence, I haven’t felt normal…I am working to achieve normal with medications AKA thyroid hormones, & each time I get a little closer. The easy part was the surgery, the HARD part is living without the thyroid and relying on medication to replace it. The damn little butterfly shaped organ controlled – mood, metabolism, temperature regulation, skin/hair, digestion, etc. If my medication is to high – I get hyperthyroidism angry, bitchy, depressed, jumpy, more anxious, overheated, loss of appetite, weight loss, dry skin/nails, etc. If my medication is too low – I get hypothyroidism – depressed, fatigued, cold, hungry, dry skin/nails, I gain weight, etc. I want to be normal in this regards. I am tired of the constant battle between too much & too little. About a month ago i switched over to Nature-Throid a natural thyroid hormone vs the synthetics and I am back to a combination of hyper & also slightly hypo since 2 of my thyroid levels (TSH & T3) are high and one level (T4) is low. I am tired of the battle. I am also never sure if a decline on emotional/mental state is because of my thyroid medication issues or because I am just depressed &/or anxious. I am never sure. How much of my depression and anxiety was/is caused by biology and how much of it is caused by my environment or me..? In addition to my endocrinologist, I have also been seeing an integrative medicine doctor to look at the full picture of my biology & mental health. I am working to address: insufficient nutrients (vitamin B, calcium, iron, vitamin d), female hormone imbalances (low progesterone), overworked adrenals and imbalanced neurotransmitters. These are being ‘healed’ or balanced with diet & supplements, which hopefully over time will bring my biology back in balance, now I just need my thyroid levels to cooperate.
Why am I even writing about this..? because it bothers me and because it demonstrates that mental stability is linked to biology as well as your habitat or life or environment. If the ‘biology’ isn’t somewhat healed then you’ll be fucked no matter what is going on in your life.
I have also been seeing my art therapist who is helping me work through my past issues in order to focus on the present, in order to BE present in the here and now. I need to stop looking backwards and live in the moment, live in the present or I will miss everything as it moves on past me.