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mental anomalies

Ride my roller coaster of random thoughts & emotions (aka mental anomalies)

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Baby vs Cat….MeOW

I love this 

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/baby_vs_cat

Normally Abnormal

Is there a point when I will ever know what its like to be normal?…not that I actually want to be normal…I mean what is normal…

Here is (part) of the definition of NORMAL:
—-
[nawr-muh l]
adjective

1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
2. serving to establish a standard.
3. Psychology.
  1. approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment.
  2. free from any mental disorder; sane.
4. Biology, Medicine/Medical.

  1. free from any infection or other form of disease or malformation, or from experimental therapy or manipulation.
  2. of natural occurrence.

—-

I guess I partially mean normal in the sense of psychology (#3) above, but then I guess my depression & social anxiety give me sense that I am truly human and that I do feel, as sometimes I often feel like a robot, cold and cut off.
But more so I meant normal in the sense of biology (#4) above.  Ever since I had surgery to remove my thyroid  due to papillary thyroid cancer, and then another surgery 2 years later to remove a recurrence, I haven’t felt normal…I am working to achieve normal with medications AKA thyroid hormones, & each time I get a little closer.  The easy part was the surgery, the HARD part is living without the thyroid and relying on medication to replace it.  The damn little butterfly shaped organ controlled – mood, metabolism, temperature regulation, skin/hair, digestion, etc.  If my medication is to high – I get hyperthyroidism angry, bitchy, depressed, jumpy, more anxious, overheated, loss of appetite, weight loss, dry skin/nails, etc.  If my medication is too low – I get hypothyroidism – depressed, fatigued, cold, hungry, dry skin/nails, I gain weight, etc.  I want to be normal in this regards.  I am tired of the constant battle between too much & too little.  About a month ago i switched over to Nature-Throid a natural thyroid hormone vs the synthetics and I am back to a combination of hyper & also slightly hypo since 2 of my thyroid levels (TSH & T3) are high and one level (T4) is low.  I am tired of the battle.  I am also never sure if a decline on emotional/mental state is because of my thyroid medication issues or because I am just depressed &/or anxious.  I am never sure.  How much of my depression and anxiety was/is caused by biology and how much of it is caused by my environment or me..?  In addition to my endocrinologist, I have also been seeing an integrative medicine doctor to look at the full picture of my biology & mental health.  I am working to address: insufficient nutrients (vitamin B, calcium, iron, vitamin d), female hormone imbalances (low progesterone), overworked adrenals and imbalanced neurotransmitters.  These are being ‘healed’ or balanced with diet & supplements, which hopefully over time will bring my biology back in balance, now I just need my thyroid levels to cooperate.
Why am I even writing about this..? because it bothers me and because it demonstrates that mental stability is linked to biology as well as your habitat or life or environment.  If the ‘biology’ isn’t somewhat healed then you’ll be fucked no matter what is going on in your life.
I have also been seeing my art therapist who is helping me work through my past issues in order to focus on the present, in order to BE present in the here and now.  I need to stop looking backwards and live in the moment, live in the present or I will miss everything as it moves on past me.

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Family Fatality (from father to ex-father)

So I really need to share this as I think most of my life is a little fucked based on my “father daughter” trust issues…

anyways my father and I have had issues or rather lack there of since we never really connected much from the beginning of my existence.  I am the other half a twin (fraternal) and I often feel like second born (which technically is true as I was born 2 minutes later) or the less useful part of the pair.  I wasn’t born with the ability to remember everything without studying, or the ability to build computers from scratch or the ability to never gain a pound despite whatever is stuffed in my face, I don’t have the ability to be talkative or social or non-anxious or not depressed…NOT ME.   That is my other half…the half who most often was the focus of my parents attention (or mostly my father’s) when growing up.

I must add that our parents divorced when we were three (since during much of my mom’s marriage to my father, he was an ass, drug abuser, alcohol abuser…).   We grew up with our mom and my grandparents in a suburb several states away from out father.  My father later remarried and we would go out to visit every summer (providing a much needed vacation for our mom :P) and every other Christmas.

Every time I went out there I would connect with my step-mom but not my father as he was either busy working or spending time with my other half.  Despite him, I had good times in the summers!!  Made some friends, explored PA, etc.  I honestly don’t remember much aside from the photos that i have of those times.

Anyways, I am getting off point…about 7 years ago when my niece had her second birthday party; in short my father decided to go to the bar across the way and get blindingly, blackout, mean, verbally abusive drunk.  Neither one of us kids have really spoken to him since his appalling behavior and words from that night (nor did we every get an actual apology from him).  Years later, he has made minor attempts to ask us to “forget” what transpired and to try to mend things, but things like that tend to stick in your mind.  We had a recent TEXT message exchange (he’s usual way of communicating, either that or via email – never a phone call).  I was planning a trip to see the side of the family I missed, as they were having a gathering in remembrance of my late grandmother, and thought maybe I’d give my father an opportunity to hear him out.  But this is what transpired via text & now my father is my ex-father (family fatality):

TEXT EXCHANGE 

HIM (weekend):
Please confirm you got hotel reservations for November. Do not worry about cost it is paid. Look forward to you being there. As an FYI have had no success getting any response from your brother about anything since dinner in Chicago. Guess that road goes no where from now on.
Love,Dad

*******
ME (weekend):
Confirmed
*****

HIM (Monday AM)
If this is typical of the way you plan on being-one word acknowledgements and cold towards anything I say or do, then your plans for a relationship with me are no different than your brother. If this is true I have no plans on spending $900 on a hotel room for someone that really does not want to be part of my life. Your current coldness and apparent desire to not have a relationship with me would ruin the time and the reasons for going to Las Vegas if I am correct. I expect a reply from you on what you want from me going forward and what you would be like in Nevada. I want the reply by 6 pm tomorrow or I will cancel the hotel reservations and not bother you again.
**********

Me (monday)
I was running around with my mom-aunt yesterday & simply wanted to answer ur hotel question.  With ur attitude Forget Vegas & it was nice knowing u…tell Sandi to call me anytime
*******

HIM again
Thanks, response was as expected. I wish you well and hope your bitterness does not impact your daily life. Reservation cancelled. If you want something told to Sandi, you do it. I wish you happiness in the world you chose to live in.
******

ME (last exchange & then I blocked him):
What’d did u really expect after taking 6+ years to ask for “forgiveness” – with no apologies shortly there after – ur behavior then was appalling & it’s never like u ever took much time to get to know me when I WAS taking to u.

End of text messages

—–

That was the end of our “relationship”, I was pissed and blocked his number – if he ever wrote back…I didn’t care!
Later that same week, I shared this exchange with my therapist who encouraged me to write 2 different letters to my ex-father (not that they’d really get mailed).
1) letter was to say what I wanted UNFILTERED with my raw emotions
2) was honest letter but not with all the raw emotional content.
Below are both of the letters that were written (warning explicit content :P)

LETTER One:
 

TO MY ASSHOLE EX-FATHER,

I want to start by saying WHAT THE FUCK?  Based on our textexchange you really had no interest or intent in ever healing this broken fucked up relationship.  Which by the way, was BROKEN a long time ago when you ignored me as a child, long before my mom divorced you after realizing what an ASS you really are.

I am sorry (or rather not sorry) that I wrote a one word response to your TEXTED question about the hotel confirmation. I am “sorry” I have a LIFE and was busy and unable to dedicate & commit a significant amount time to write a full length conversational text to YOUR LIKING expressing my deepest most sincere emotions. In case you aren’t INTERPETING my TYPED words appropriately – I AM BEING SARCASTIC(italics) & also WRITING IN UPPERCASE TO EXPRESS ANGER.    Also, in case you didn’t know a TEXT MESSAGE is merely “a SHORT MESSAGE that is sent electronically to a cell phone or other device”. If you WANTED A DETAILED EMOTIONALLY ACCURATE CONVERSATION – DON’T SEND A DAMN TEXT MESSAGE OR EMAIL– PICK UP A GOD DAMN PHONE AND CALL – USE YOU FUCKING VOICE TO EXPRESS YOUR WORDS/EMOTIONS!!!!!!Unless your voice hasn’t been working the past 37 years of my life…..???? !!!!!

I am sorry to MAKE YOU WASTE $900 on a hotel room (which by the way was only $500 in reality & for which I never asked you to book or PAY for to begin with) to MEND a relationship, WHICH YOU, YES YOU FUCKED UP.  HOW DARE YOU…based on your interpretation of a ONE WORD TEXT, tell me how “my current coldness & apparent desire to not have a relationship with me” – DON’T tell me how I AM fucking feeling or supposed to feel, DON’T – you DON’T know shit about me because you never took the time to get to KNOW ME – ME – YOUR DAUGHTER (SURPRISE YOU HAVE DAUGHTER)!!

I wanted to go to Vegas, in honor of grandma  to see my family, the one YOU & your bullshit have kept apart from me.  I wanted to reconnect with THEM & perhaps give you an opportunity (all be it a tiny one)- (all Bull shit aside) to say “PLEASE FORGIVE ME – I WAS A HORRIBLE ASSHOLE.  But you sabotaged that without even giving me the opportunity of a face to face.

AND WHO THE FUCK do you think you are demanding a response for me and then adding fuel to the fire by setting a deadline for said response to your irate text!!? You want US to forgive you but you don’t want to be at fault or take any blamein WHAT HAPPENED – YOU ARE NOT PERFECT, FAR FROM PERFECT – YOU ARE A FUCKED UP ASSHOLE WITH MAJOR ISSUES – GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER ALREADY & no – I am not just talking about the alcoholism.

JUST ADMIT IT – you never intended to have a relationship with me (what you really wanted was to see Marty & mend things with him, but he doesn’t give a fuck & won’t even give you the time of day)

Where were you when I would come out to visit every summer and every other Christmas?  You were never present in my life even then.  Did you really expect me to put forth an effort in “healing” our relationship when YOU never actually ever put in any effort, even when I was actually around?

You just gave me more fuel and anger when you got all FUCKED up at Bianca’s 2nd birthday party (do you remember her – she’s you SON’s DAUGHTER, you GRANDDAUGHTER), the one you didn’t take the time to get to know (& will never know) because you were too busy digging yourself a hole in the ground with self-pity and alcohol to care about anyone buy YOUR SELFISH FUCKING SELF.  In case you don’t remember your behavior on this SPECIAL OCCASION, you were a COMPLETE AND UDER DICK, who was bitter, very angry and extremely verbally abusive toward the family (ex-family now – Marty, Me and Sandi) who were simply trying to care (as families do) & get you to go home in one piece before you turned everything into one big DISASTER…I guess you know how successful we were at that attempt.

You expected our forgiveness even (though you never actually sad “I AM SORRY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME for my abhorred behavior”.  You certainly never said those words, nor did you acknowledge your horrid behavior.  YEARS YEARS later you just expected us to forget what happened and pretend like nothing ever happened.  WELL IT FUCKING HAPPENED!!  You keep acting like it’s our fault that we don’t have a relationship because we aren’t communicating with you, you try to make us feel like we are the ones at fault for the lack of a relationship.  HEY THERE – YOU”RE THE REASON there is no relationship, you send me an email or a text every so often as an PATHETIC WEAK attempt at ‘building’ a relationship, but the truth is you don’t really seem to CARE, nor are you genuinely making ANY REAL EFFORT.  A REAL effort in my mind is CALLING & CALLING & CALLING non-stop until we either decide to pick up & even if we don’t – you still keep trying – you DON’T GIVE UP.  It’s showing us that your ACTIONS match your WORDS….that your actions really do demonstrate a strong sincere effort to mend the broken relationship.  BUT YOUR ACTIONS NEVER match…you’re all TALK (OR TEXT in reality)….you expect us to do all the work and reciprocate sweet loving communication – NOT HAPPENING.

Every time you send me a message or text you ALWAYS ask about Marty, you mention your relationship with him and mention the status or ask me to ask him something.  You NEVER actually focus on ME, how am I, what have I been up to, how we rebuild our (you/me) relationship, etc.  THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM always second rate, a second ormerely an afterthought.  Like you’re using me to get to him & YES I NOTICED THAT.

WHY am I always second place (or third to your own ego)…?  Even growing up, I always felt second rate and that’s why at some point I gave up at trying to capture your attention or affection– cuz I knew deep down it was never going to happen.  Though honestly I think I still wanted your attention, a hope that I did mean something…I always see shows with happy fathers & daughter and dreamt of having a father like that, but after our recent text exchange, that mirror shattered and I realized that was just a fantasy, a false reality that REALLY never was going to happen.  YOU JUST DON’T & WILL NEVER GET IT.

During the times I was visiting in PA, instead of you, I put my energies and efforts and time in hanging out with Sandi, in communicating with her as she took the time to do so in return – she showed love & therefore received love in return. – THAT’s FAMILY, THAT’s a relationship, THAT’s EFFORT, THAT’s CARING!!  That’s why I still communicate with her!!  She will actually keep calling till she reaches me, she has never just given up – she is & always will be FAMILY.  Aside from giving me your DNA, you have never really been, nor will you ever be “Family” & I am glad I finally realized that so I can say THANK GOODNESS & FUCK OFF!

—–

LETTER Two:

Dear [full name of ex-father]

I am saddened by our recent text exchange & how things ended with our very fragile relationship.

In my mind I guess I kept hoping & hoping for things that were never going to happen

• I was hoping that you would come to the realization that you were sorry for your actions that transpired in August of 2008.
• I was hoping you would have said the actual words “I am sorry”.  Yet those words were never spoken.
• I was hoping for meaningful actions and verbal exchanges that never occurred.
• I was hoping to have a Father or Dad for once in my life, but that never occurred & you took that chance away from me with a simple text exchange.

I hope you realize just what you’ve lost:

• you’ve lost a daughter who use to pray for your attention
• you’ve lost a daughter who in some small way looked up to you
• you’ve lost a daughter who deep down did care about you
• you’ve lost my love and respect
• you’ve lost your child, a part of your family
• you’ve lost knowing who I am and all that my future holds

You’ve lost ME.

I can honestly say that I haven’t lost anything as I’ve come to the realization that it (our relationship) was never really there to begin with.  I have what’s most important – friendship, love & family and the knowledge that I am beautiful, creative and most of all strong!! My life will continue to move forward & grow without you – as it has done for the past 37 years.

Despite our issues and how this relationship ended – I wish you all the best and wanted to say thank you for…

“Sometimes someone has to hurt you deep enough just to let you know that they’re not the right one for you.  Learn your lesson and Move On.”

Thank you for hurting me deep enough for me to realize that it was time for me to move on.

Thank you.

——-End of Letters

I have to say it felt good to get that all out & my therapist was proud of me.  She asked me to write a third letter that combines both of the above into one.  That letter is in progress…trying how to keep the tone of both, without losing one or the other.  I feel that this chapter in my life is closed..I am no longer clinging to false perceptions…

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Loner

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I would say I am a bit (oh ok more than a bit) of loner & also socially anxious.  I like doing things & going places on my own – it’s less stressful.  I mean it’s just easier to be me when I don’t have to worry about other people’s judgement or even being anxious because my mind is making its own (likely insane) assumptions about what people think of me.  Hell half the time I don’t know if I like me.  It’s a good day if I am content….and not wildly emotional…

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Mental anomalies

Mental Anomalies is place where I can learn to express my roller coaster of random thoughts/emotions, that I think & feel each day, as I try to go beneath the surface in order to rediscover who I AM & unsilence my own voice…

“I have always felt alienated from words, attacked by them, silenced by them, ignored by them, words have never been fast friends. I listen to the voices that come from my heart, and scream from my guts, I am more than what you see.” ~unknown

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